Spent today tidying up the flower beds at the front of the house. Plenty of weeding and digging was done, followed by the planting of lots of flowers for the Spring / Summer. The Cherry Tree we planted last spring is about to come out into blossom and the Orange Blossom also planted last spring, is also budding so it should look fairly lovely out there soon. Although G did most of the 'hard labour', I did quite a bit myself and I'm now exhausted.
Rather than cook we had take-out from Mandarin tonight, then ice-cream from Baskin Robbins (sugar -free mint choc chip for me!). Yum.
D is late to bed and I just helped him get into the shower. Was overcome by one of those frequent 'I love him so much I want to eat him up' moments of emotion which was then closely followed 'how can we do this to him?' moments of panic about having another baby. Without going into all the obvious positive reasons for having a baby (not least, we really want one!), I do sometimes feel really heart wrenching pangs of sadness for how it'll affect D to begin with. He's so loving, so considerate, and so much my boy.... and he's so excited and positive about the baby coming. He talks about it every day, he knows everything that's going on, he is constantly being considerate of the fact that mummy can't do as much as usual. He feels the baby kick, and several times per day flings his arms around my belly and kisses it and talks about July coming non stop. But the upsetting thing is, when it happens he's NOT GOING TO LIKE IT AT ALL. He's going to feel upset and sad and confused and displaced .. he's going to think we don't love him as much anymore, or that he's not as important to us anymore. He's had our undivided attention for so long that he knows he's the complete focus of the household and that we love him SO much.... he has never had to doubt that, and it's going to happen in July. I really wish I could spare him the hurt :( The only thing I can do is make every single effort to let him know how much I do love him, give him lots of attention, and hope and pray that it's enough not to damage him.
Just as I finished writing this D came down to kiss me goodnight. I said to him 'I love you, my best boy in the whole wide world'. "But what about the baby?" he said..."OK best BOYS in the whole wide world" I replied. "That's better Mom, because you know what? When the baby is born our hearts will get bigger and fill up with more love for him and we'll still love each other the same'
OMG HE IS SO CUTE AND AHHHHHHHHHHH I AM SO CRYING!
Posted by katie at April 24, 2004 08:26 PM