I'm occasionally scared, scared more than I can put into words, that something will happen to me during the course of this pregnancy / birth, and that I'll not be here anymore.
There are risks involved in me being pregnant, we knew them before deciding to go ahead. They're hopefully not too big risks, but they are risks nonetheless. I'm still frightened, now and again.
I'm not scared for me, I am scared for my boys. I love them so much, this little new one included, and I can't stand the thought of them going through the pain of losing a mummy, a wife.
Dylan is such a loving, caring, sweet boy.... I don't ever want him to suffer any pain. In my fear that this could happen, I feel so guilty, so awful, that I would risk anything that could potentially cause him that much suffering. I love him with all my heart. I know that when this little one comes along I'll love him too, and I sincerely hope that I will be around to enjoy them both for many many years, and I hope that they know now, and will always know, that I love them more than it's possible to put into words.
The day Dylan was born changed me forever and showed me that I'm capable of love far and beyond anything I thought possible. He's an absolute joy, he's loving, kind, funny, smart, and I cannot believe I had a part in creating someone so amazing.
He's lucky in that he has a great dad in G... at least I know that if something did happen to me, he'd be in good hands :) I know I have alot of faults as a wife, no doubt as a mum too, but I love G so much and he's a terrific husband and dad. I couldn't ask for anything more, infact I have much more than I deserve in him xxxx
This is so maudlin, I hate writing this, I hate it, hate it, hate it, it's so..... unsatisfactory, I can't write enough, I can't put into words how I feel, I feel stupid writing it........but I have to... I have to put it somewhere and know it's there if they need to find it in the future. G doesn't read this ... hopefully he will never have to.
Posted by katie at June 3, 2004 11:06 PMKatie,
I am happy to read that you and your baby are healthy. Don't worry about your sons having to live without you. You will be just fine. I will keep thinking positive thoughts for you.
I hope that you preserve this web journal for your family. It is such a loving and honest account of your day-to-day life. I've read notes that my Mother wrote when I was small and I have found so much value in knowing her thoughts, and sometimes her fears.
I found your site back when you were getting to be about 8 weeks. You were nervous about miscarriage. I was pregant for the first time and had Googled to find a pair of jeans that Gwyneth Paltrow was wearing in a magazine. The key words brought me to your site. I bookmarked it and continued to read your postings until I had a miscarriage while on business trip to London in April.
I found out last week that we are expecting again. I am cautiously excited.
Many blessings to you,
Jolene in NYC
jtimmons3@aol.com