Impossible concept for a 5 yr old.
D: Mom, I wish I were the same age as you
Me: Why?
D: Because then we'd die at the same time
(tears)
(hugs)
Me: Don't be silly darling, don't think about things like that, it's many many years away.
D: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven
D: Your brain goes?
Me: No, more like your soul
D: What's a soul?
Me: (desperately trying to think of an analogy) Errr, a bit like a ghost
D: Your ghost goes to heaven?
Me: Something like that
D: (bursts into tears) I don't want you to die and go to heaven
Me: Oh sweetheart, it's so long away, don't think about it.
D: Can I have the rock next to yours?
Me: Huh?
D: You know, the R I P sign? (more tears)
Me: Ohhhh of course you can, but please stop thinking about this! Anyway, when someone is in heaven they can look down on you and always be there in your heart.
D: I don't understand
Me: OK let's say Big Ted dies and goes to heaven, and Little Ted is sad
D: (floods of tears) I don't want Big Ted to die
Me: (arse, why did I say that) OK I just wanted you to understand that although Little Ted is sad, Big Ted is up there looking down on him and loves him still.
D: His ghost?
Me: Sort of
D: (floods more tears) WHO WILL MAKE ME DINNER IF YOU DIE
Terrible conversation, I felt like I was digging a deeper and deeper hole! Any suggestions on how to discuss this kind of thing with a child welcome!
Posted by katie at November 8, 2004 01:33 PMI have just had this with Xander, we got a book from school and it was about a dog running about at night - it turned out to be a ghost. Bugger, here come the questions i thought. And they did.
I had night after night of, "i dont want to die; isnt it sad that we are going to die; i dont want you to die"... so on and so forth.
We talked about how it was not going to happen for a long long loooong time, and how greatgrandad was still alive (89) how nanny and papa were still here, and how then there was mummy and daddy and so on.... then we had, "but i dont want greatgrandad to die, isnt it sad that greatgrandad is going to die".. aagghhh!
We talked about reincarnation (i said that he could come back as a girl to make him laugh, but he freaked out more! DONT do that one!) and we thought that he would be something nice like a slug, or a tree or something... we talked about heaven ("where is it... but i have been in a aeroplaine and i didnt see it?") and how some people think that you just stop, but live on in peoples hearts ("really, how do you fit?")
I had full on uncontrollable tears, we phoned daddy - I NEVER do that - to see if he could help (he was for warned by e-mail that this was coming) and in the end, we just had to ride it out.
It does pass, there are occationally bursts of "i dont want to die" which really means "i dont want to go to bed" but i just say, "oh sush and go to sleep!"
I think that everychild goes through it when they realise that they dont have controll over their own lives, and that is scary.
Good luck, dont make a thing of it, dont buy any books cause that reaffirms that it is going to happen and that makes it more scary, answer his questions as best you can (without killing off his toys!) and it will pass, try changing the subject as you go along.
xx
p.s. perhaps you should tell G about the dinner thing - may change D's mind! Oh, and NEVER say that you are never going to leave him - because he will remember that.
Dissagree, books can be helpful. At school we read a book called Badger's parting Gift. It is really sweet and deals with the subject tastefully through fiction.
Posted by: laura at November 8, 2004 04:22 PMHave a read (if you can bear it) of Ivan Noble's tumour diary for last month on the BBC News site... his daughter seems to have reached that stage of questions, although they are somewhat more targetted for obvious reasons... but there are some suggested books and ideas in the text and comments.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/3752112.stm
Posted by: Aka at November 9, 2004 07:49 AMThanks all.
Aka - have been following Ivan's diary , thanks for the pointer!
Posted by: katie at November 9, 2004 09:42 AM