It's the weather. You spend 6 months indoors in this godforsaken country, hibernating and staying out of the freezing temperatures. Along with the cold comes isolation - you see people by arrangement only.
This weekend the temperatures suddenly went up above zero, and it was like watching animals emerge sleepily out of their winter den for the first time, blinking and rubbing their eyes as they wonder 'is it really over?'. The neighbourhood was suddenly teaming with people.
Today temperatures outside read 15 degrees and I'm in a t-shirt, feeling positive.
Talking of feeling positive, one of my New Years Resolutions was to stop taking Zoloft. Today is the 3rd day off the medication and so far so good.
A couple of years ago after the depression hit for the first time, I was taking a drug called Effexor which is notorious for horrendous withdrawal symptoms (something my Dr didn't make me aware of when he recommended it to me). Stopping it was coming off Heroin cold turkey. My whole body shook, I was dizzy, I sweated, I had these bizarre 'brain shivers' where suddenly the world would feel as though it had spun on it's axis without me, and I felt absolutely horrific emotionally. It was so bad, that the first time I tried to stop taking it I think I lasted a week and ended up back on it.
The second time I tried to stop, I steeled myself against the withdrawal side effects, and stuck it out. It was basically as bad as the first time but knowing what to expect I hung in there. After a couple of weeks or so, I finally got through the worst of it and began to feel better. Alot better. Unfortunately then a bunch of stuff happened which turned me back down the path of depression and I ended up being put on Zoloft.
The thing is, when you're taking these drugs, you do feel better. I can't speak for anyone else, but depression for me is like living under a cloud of negativity. I am unable to enjoy anything, see the positive in anything, and feel completely hopeless and unworthy. For example, when we originally moved here people would see if I wanted to get together for a coffee (being friendly, like) and I'd be convinced that I had nothing interesting or positive to say therefore I would make excuses and not go (thus being even more miserable and isolated).
The drugs stop those mood swings which invariably tend towards the lower of the curve... they balance you out, and you feel better, alot better. It's hard to know when you are that much better that you perhaps ought to consider stopping them though, but for me I seem to reach a point where I realise that they are no longer balancing the lows, but keeping me on an even path of blandness, if that makes sense. The low's have gone, but I start to appreciate that the high's are being suppressed too.
I think this means that I'm ready to stop them, anyway, reaching this point of realisation. I reached it a while ago actually, but given the fact that I'd just had Harry and was therefore succesptible to some mood instability, I decided to keep taking them. But, y'know, you have to stop sometime (despite some potentially life altering stuff looming dangerously around the corner*), so I've stopped.
And I feel good, 3 days later! I'm sure I felt dreadful after I attempted to stop the Effexor by this point, so fingers crossed all will go well.
* tbd at a later date.
Posted by katie at March 29, 2005 02:46 PMWay to go! Hopefully the better results this time, compared to coming off Effexor, are a sign of good things to come.
Posted by: Steve at March 30, 2005 05:12 PM