babyblog

Depression, Revisited

So after ending up back on Anti Depressants shortly after the last big upheaval / move across country, I'm feeling that the time is right to stop taking them again.

It's a horrible beast, depression. It creeps up on you and before you know it you feel utterly wretched, sad, miserable, lethargic, unable to deal with anyone or anything. Taking the anti depressant medication helps you with all of that and enables you to get your life back. At the time, the last thing you care about are potential side-effects to it, and infact in my case don't really notice any... just the relief to start feeling human again.

The downside of them........every (well, it's 3) time I've had this medication (always sparked by something major and horribly stressful change in my life), after a few months of feeling better and a few months of feeling 'fine thank you', I've started to realise that I am not fine, but a little bit removed from life. As if I'm a bystander watching while things happen around me. Unable to completely interact with people and events. It's only a very tiny step outside of the here and now, but once you notice it you realise that you're a bit of a space cadet and that you and the people around you deserve better.

It's a sense of ... well, I am not going to laugh hysterically or cry hysterically, I am going to grin or grimace.... a slight delay in reaction to things which should have an instant reaction... and a general feeling of slight removal from everyone.

When realising this, each time, I've decided to stop taking the meds. Thankfully it's been major issues that've sparked depression in my case so I'm hoping that with none of those imminent I should do fine without. I am of course, though, going through the hellish side-effects that come hand in hand with stopping these things.

I don't know why they say they're not physically addictive, these things. It's bullshit. They totally are. This time I've been taking Lexapro.. and the side effects from stopping are no better than any of the others I've tried. I tried to taper off gently, cutting the dose down to half.. then a quarter.. then stopping. I was fine but for the last 3 days have had the hellish dizziness that I've experienced before, the 'brain zaps' where suddenly the axis in my head seems to alter, and a permanent feeling of strangeness and exhaustion.

Other side effects to this delightful drug have been the inability to lose weight.... despite regular and rigorous exercise my weight has remained constant / creeping up and it's been getting me down. I eat relatively healthily. I do have a sweet tooth but it's not too bad these days (it's been worse!), and I work out 3 x per week minimum, hard. I hope that stopping will mean the pounds come off, I think this wretched drug has slowed my metabolism down to nothing!

Wish me luck for the next few days getting off this stuff