babyblog

Anxiety

I've developed an interesting condition whereby I've become anxious about stupid things and terrified of dying, or G dying, or one of the children dying. I have nightmares all the time where I wake up with the car under water knowing I'm about to die with the kids in the back, or in mid air having driven of a cliff, or being chased by a murderer. I play out scenarios in my mind if someone in our family died, it's just become awful. On Wednesday we were driving home from vacation over the mountain pass and I became hysterical in the car shouting at G that we were going over the edge (there was absolutely no danger of this).

On top of all that, I'm really stressed by mundane shit. Like if I have 3 things to get done I am on edge, worried, consumed, freaked out that I won't get them done in time - when in reality it wouldn't take long at all. I keep making lists and worrying about what's on them and that I haven't accomplished. I am over stressed by silly errands, it makes no sense.

None of the above is me. I'm not an anxious person and I'm not someone who is freaked out by stuff like this. I'm also not a person that makes lists - I am more about spontaneity!

The anxiety though , it's kinda got out of hand. I am not sleeping properly with all these dreads and fears, I am nervous all the time, I'm finding it hard to drive my car for worrying someone will hit us. I have this overwhelming sense of DOOM all the time.

I told a friend. She told me about Post Partum Anxiety. It's a bit like Post Partum Depression only you don't get the depressed bit (I'm not depressed, I feel very energised and happy and positive for the most part) but it manifests as anxiety instead.

Since Tab was born I've taken very large doses of Vitamin B which I've credited with warding off my PPD - with the boys I developed it sometime around their first year. But clearly it's decided to come out as Anxiety instead - the bastard.

I went to the DR today and told her. She asked me what might've triggered anxiety and I think it's been coming on slowly since Tab was hospitalized with RSV in January. That incident was terrifying, thinking we'd lose her. Following that there was the incident where I nearly killed G by not recognizing his near diabetic coma state (which I still go cold thinking about), then the incident with Harry's possible mole cancer & surgery...... it's just been one thing after another which has scared the shit out of me this year.

The DR said she wasn't surprised I have anxiety and that it was almost certainly my body's way of manifesting some form of Post Partum Depression - Anxiety instead of the usual blah of depression. She's given me a prescription for Zoloft because apparently it'll get rid of it, she said expect to take it for 3 months or so. She also gave me some kind of valium type thing but I can't take that while BF'ing - I can take it if I wean Tab (something I'm considering).

Bah. I can't help feeling that I've FAILED in some way by going back on the fucking medication.