I'm really quite tired. No prizes for spotting the enormous understatement there. I'm getting something like 5 hours of sleep per night if I'm lucky, and it's extremely broken sleep at that. I'm not really able to rest during the day either.... I get a couple of hours either side of lunch while D is at school but H is often awake during those times, and if not I tend to fill the time up doing other things because once I sit down I am afraid I'll not want to get up again.
Mostly I'm fine and happy and coping well, please don't think I'm complaining right now because I'm not, but there are times when waves of feeling extremely hopeless overcome me which are entirely exhaustion related.
Take the house for example. It's a total tip. There's crap *everywhere*. I struggle every day to keep on top of the basics like laundry, dishes, etc, but I am too tired to consider doing anything else. Actually that's not true, I'm not too tired to do it but I'm scared that I've so little reserves that if I expend energy tidying & cleaning like a madwoman then I'll collapse and be useless to everyone. G has been too busy to do much either and this place is a disaster. The garden too, the grass is long overdue to be mowed and the flowerbeds need weeding (and watering) and pruning and the place looks unkempt. This afternoon it all got a bit much for me and when G asked me what was quite obviously wrong, I started sobbing that I couldn't cope. Solution? We will spend the weekend together de-cluttering and doing the garden, and a Molly Maid will come on Monday and clean the place thoroughly. It's a weight off my mind, especially as we are going to England next weekend, that I won't have to try to fight my way through all the crap to prepare for the trip, and that I won't have to come back to it after the trip either.
Poor H had his first lot of injections this week - the DTP (Diptheria, Tetanuss, Pertussis) which now has a bonus 2 more nasties thrown in for free to make sure he doesn't catch Polio or Hib (whatever Hib is). I have mixed feelings about the shots. I'm anxious. For sure we don't want to see a sudden plague of these nasty diseases resurface, but at the same time I'm concerned about the potential links to Autism and other issues that keep surfacing. I read in one magazine this week that there might be dangerous levels of Mercury in them. It feels like such a game of russian roulette with these things.
When D was small I didn't want him to have the MMR shot because it was at the time when it was all over the news and I couldn't convince myself that it was 100% safe. Then they came up with a single shot vaccine so I tried to have those done, but we moved before we were able to get him into the clinic. And here they are less tolerant about people who opt out of vaccines and insist you have them in order to attend school. And they don't do the single shots here. So I ended up getting it for him, although having left it much later (he was almost 3) than is usual I was at least fairly confident that his system was stronger and more able to fight off whatever would happen when the vaccines entered his system.
I'm so concerned about Autism and other developmental issues. I'm almost paranoid about them. There are 2 kids on my street alone with it, one extremely severely, and who knows what causes it but I'm scared for my boys.
But anyway, H is now vaccinated with his first lot of many shots to come. He cried, poor lamb. I gave him baby Tylenol afterwards to prevent a fever and he slept for 4 hours solid. We gave him some more at bed time as he was more fussy than usual, and he slept again 4 solid hours. When he woke at 4am G wanted him to have more so that we could get some more kip! I said no, but boy was it nice to have a long stretch of sleep like that.
In other news, fall seems to have arrived overnight. The temperatures have dropped suddenly and there are glorious reds and oranges appearing on the trees and other foliage. Quite strange how this can happen so quickly. It'll be minus 25 before we know it.
And battle continues with D's school, the public school. The quick version of this particular situation is that the school has an influx of new pupils this year due to more housing being built in the area, and the classes are suddenly very overcrowded. The kindergarten has 60 children in the one classroom, with 3 teachers so that they meet the teacher/child ratio of 20-1. This means it's incredibly noisy and busy, plus they don't have any more materials or resources for the kids. So Dylan is completely bored out of his mind and has very little to do. He's also way ahead of all the other kids in the class academically, as he's been at the Montessori for the last 3 years. He's reading at Grade 2 or 3 level and is also pretty hot in Maths. Whether he is there emotionally though, I don't know. The kids in Grade 1 do seem, to me anyway, to be that bit more confident. Anyways, after a visit to the principal the school is now assessing him and testing him with a view that he could be accelerated into Grade 1. It is worrying me alot, this, and I'm having bad dreams about it. I don't want to be pushy, I don't want to make a life altering decision that leads Dylan to be unhappy. I don't want to send him up a grade if he's not ready for that and I don't want to keep him back if it means he's bored not stimulated. Tough.
1. There are lots of different shops, unlike Canada which has 5.
2. Stuff is generally *alot* cheaper.
3. Wal Mart is much better and much less NOC and Sarsy and sells better stuff.
4. Lots more choice.
5. (From Gareth) HMV sells Porn.
6. Mall's are fab.
2 weeks tomorrow and we're off back to the mother country for a fortnight of manically trying to see as many family members and friends as possible in a short space of time. These trips are not really a holiday as there's never enough time in one place to relax, but it'll be great to get home and see everyone.
D is particularly looking forward to going on the plane. I, on the other hand, am fairly dreading trying to keep 2 small children occupied for 8 hours!
Did some pre-blighty shopping this afternoon (it's cold there so obviously need a new winter wardrobe) which is always good to cheer oneself up (if of course, you can ignore those damn salespeople (sorry alex!)).
I have a cold and I feel like crap. Sympathy please.
Managed to go to bed last night leaving the garage door open and the sprinkler on. Fortunately upon waking, the house is still here and some kind soul had turned the sprinkler off at some point. We are definitely very crap home owners. I think you need to be grown up to do it properly.
G and I have a meeting up at D's school this afternoon with his teacher to discuss where he's at and whether she intends to actually teach him something this year. Also a very grown up task that I'm not sure we're ready for, however if we don't do it nobody else will so I guess we're stuck with it.
H only woke up twice last night. I feel quite fine today in terms of sleep, now just need to dose up with all kinds of cold and flu meds and maybe I'll feel human again (can you take that crap when you're breastfeeding?).
Had an absolutely brilliant weekend at Darien Lake. There were 18 of us in total and it was excellent fun. I ended up going on several roller coasters and then taking a 200ft skydive attached to a rope. Fantastic.
Lovely H,
It's hard to believe that you're already 2 months old. This morning you rolled over for the first time. I had put you down on to your tummy to take a photo of you, and you were quite fed up about it and tried very hard to move yourself onto your back - and to my surprise you succeeded! I put you back onto your tum and you did it again!
You're getting so big too, and while you are still in your 0-3 month clothes barely, I'm going to have to buy size 2 nappies next time I go to the shop. You're really putting on the pounds though, which amazes me considering you're still feeding from me and me alone! I've considered giving you formula now & again for convenience but so far I have resisted because you're doing so well.
You're a very smiley and happy boy; you love to gaze up at me or your dad or your brother and give us big grins. You enjoy being passed around the various broody women neighbours too, new faces are very interesting! You're also sleeping alot better than you were, only waking once or twice in the night now which means your parents are also feeling alot more rested (thank goodness!). We still have you in our room in your bassinet and I don't think we'll move you into your room any time soon, have no fear!
Your big brother really loves you too, he always wants to know if you're OK and likes to play with you and even hold you on occasion. The night before last I held you in my arms while I read him a bedtime story (your dad was up at your brothers school reading them the riot act but that's a story for another time!) and it was wonderful to hold my two boys so close, I am very lucky indeed.
Right now your brother is looking forward to going to the UK to see all of our family. He can't wait to go on the plane, and while we're there we'll also have your christening so that your family will all be together to celebrate your arrival into this world.
Your passport arrived this week which means you can actually leave Canada. This weekend you're going with us to Darrien Lake with some friends to the theme park there, and we're camping overnight. Should be fun! You're already a well travelled little boy. As well as an early trip to Montreal, this last month you've also been to several places in Ontario. Your passport photo is very funny, you look very small and cute in it! Hopefully nobody is going to think we've stolen you as you've got a different nationality to the rest of us at the moment :-) Your dad and I promise to make you officially British as soon as we can!
Lots of love Mum, Dad & Dylan xxx
I decided to buy a few 'fat' clothes today - i.e. things that will fit me until I've managed to squeeze back into my pre-baby stuff. I'm sick of wearing the few things I have, which are mostly the smaller maternity stuff. Anyway, I was reminded how bloody annoying it can be buying clothes many of the stores in this country. It's impossible to walk in and browse without being leapt upon by over enthusiastic sales assistants.
Entering the first shop, this extremely loud and obnoxious woman came running up and started badgering me. I told her I'd just like to browse, please, and she continued to hound me. I said honestly, I'm fine just looking, and still she didn't let up. Once I'd shaken her off I was feeling quite irritated so I turned around and left the store. Went next door, had the same problem! I was looking for a pair of comfy but smartish trousers and the assistant was determined to badger me and launch into a giant speel about how I should buy a blazer. No thanks. But you get 50% off something else if you buy one. But I don't want one. But it's a good deal. OK - bye! Into a 3rd store........ #1 sales assistant approaches "can I help you?" No thanks, I'm just looking. "OK". #2 sales assistant approaches "Hi! Can I help you with something today?" No thanks! I'm just looking! #3 approaches...."Hey there, is anyone helping you?" ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I don't want to talk, I want to look around in peace and see if I like anything. If I want your help, I'll ask for it!!!!
When I lived in London I was an excellent driver. I drove everywhere, was aggressive and confident, could parallel park in spaces no more than an inch bigger than my vehicle, and was able to get around in London's busy and manic traffic like it was 2nd nature. I also drove a motorbike and loved that.
You know how it is in London - you approach a junction which has 3 lanes depending which direction you're going in.. which do you choose? The one with the least traffic, of course.
Moving here meant that I had to relax and become a boring driver like everyone else. It took a while. But there's no need to be aggressive here because there's little traffic to fight your way through, all the roads are straight and long, cars are mostly automatic, there's parking to be had everywhere, and you can't go very fast because of the considerably lower speed limits. It was weird, getting used to that. I still have the odd bit of 'London' in me where I'll push someone for the fun of it (you always win, they always back down), but mostly I just plod along like everyone else.
This seems, however, to have had a negative effect on my driving skills. We just got a new car, well a minivan to be precise. We had one in London. But for some reason I'm finding it very difficult to drive. Reversing? Forget it. I can't see enough... the blind spots are huge. Parking? Hah! I can't park the thing for toffee! Mostly due to the reversing issue, I drive into a space and if I am not straight I'm too scared to reverse again because I can't see a thing. G says I've turned into a Canadian Soccer Mom. Damn.
My cousin had a little baby girl this afternoon! They've named her Alice Elizabeth and she weighed in at 8lb 6oz. I think Jo had a tough time, she was induced on Tuesday and the baby was born by c/section today so she obviously had a long labour. I anxiously await full details when she gets out of hospital and meanwhile will go to PBK and spend money on PINK things for once ;-)
This morning I had my final appointment with the Haematologist (hopefully!). They've now signed me off and I can finish my Fragmin shots when the box of needles runs out! Thank goodness, my abdomen is purple and green and black with bruises since I've been on this high dose!
My cousin was being induced on Monday and I've still not heard anything... hopefully all is going well! She was overdue and her blood pressure was up so they wanted to get the baby on the way. It can't be much longer though, she must've been in labour forever!
I decided to have an early night last night so that I could catch up on some sleep. H usually sleeps from 9pm for 3 hours or so. Of course, last night, he didn't and instead kicked off and refused to go to sleep. Joy!
D is back to school today and went happily onto the bus this morning. We went yesterday to meet his new teacher and I'm rather concerned about the number of kids in the class this year. The classroom is a U shape and in previous years they've had 30 kids on each side. Now, apparently, there's a rule saying that you may only have 20 kids per class. So they've now got 2 teachers each side, and 40 kids! 80 kids in that small classroom! It's going to be hellish. In theory it's better but in practise, how much attention will 1 kid get with the rowdiness of 40 5 yr olds tearing around. Thank goodness he is still going to the Montessori.
I have an unbearable longing to be able to sleep for more than 2 hours at a time. I cannot imagine anything more blissful than a solid 8 hour sleep. I remember it, it was great, I want it back.
What makes it worse is the extremely deep state of slumber my body goes into for that 2 hour period which is for some reason filled with unpleasant and realistic dreams. When I am unwillingly ripped from my state of unconciousness I find myself struggling to separate the nightmares from reality, and am left feeling quite out of sorts for a large part of the following day.
And the muscles in my shoulders are extremely tense and painful, largely due to sitting in uncomfortable positions to feed him. Must be time to re-visit the Massage Therapist.
I confirmed suspicion yesterday that the Boob Nazi's have no idea what they're talking about and are simply spouting propaganda.
I called them up to ask about quantity of breast milk and also about introducing solids as per my post the other day. The woman on the end of the phone was worse than useless. To the first question she responded with some waffle which didn't even touch on the question let alone answer it. To the second she told me that if babies get hungrier and need to eat all the time before they're 6 months old, instead of introducing solids I should take to my bed with lots of fluids and allow him to feed 24 x 7, without getting up or exerting energy myself.
Meanwhile, back in the real world.....
Had a scan on my legs today to make sure there are no nasties lurking in the deep veins... and thankfully all is clear which (touch wood) should mean that my very last appointment with the hospital is next week when I see the Haematologist again for one final session. I should then also be able to come off the Fragmin and hope that nothing unpleasant happens once I do :-)
H has been a delight today, very smiley and happy and peaceful!
I've been stressing over breastfeeding a little today. I don't need to stress but I can't help it. G and I discussed this the other night and I was able to voice my stupid concerns, which stem from not breastfeeding Dylan when he was little. I felt like I had failed him at the time and stupidly I still do. So every time I feed Harry I feel bad that I wasn't able to do it for D, plus I feel like I need to do it 'perfectly' to compensate for my failings last time.
G put some perspective on it. D was a big hungry boy who wasn't satisfied by breastfeeding. He attached himself to me 24 x 7 for the first 3 weeks of his life and cried for more whenever he was removed. This was probably as a result of the undiagnosed Gestational Diabetes and his blood sugars constantly going low after he was born. Then I was rushed into hospital with a Pulmonary Embolism and we had no choice but to give him Formula because his mummy was sick, pumped full of radioactive drugs, and in a hospital bed for a week. I physically couldn't feed him... and of course when he was switched to Formula he ended up thriving and changing personality to become a happy smiley baby. Once I was out of hospital I was still taking some nasty medication, plus there was no way D was going back to being hungry again! But still, I failed. At least up there, in my head, I failed.
Harry is a very different boy in that he *is* satisfied with what I can give him. As long as I'm willing to feed him often, which of course I am! It's tiring, never getting more than 3 hours sleep during the night, but I willingly do it.
Last week though, I went out for a few hours in the evening for the first time since H was born. I pumped some milk and left it for G to give H from a bottle. He drank it without a problem and then slept for 5 hours straight. Last night I went out again, same thing, and H slept for 6 hours straight. So I am thinking maybe he's not taking enough milk from me during a feed so he's hungier sooner. That or he is over-feeding from the bottle.... I'm not sure. Either way, 6 hours is a nice long stretch during the night!! I don't know , maybe I'll continue to express some milk for the fridge for the occasions where he's obviously hungrier than normal. And make a concerted effort to get him to feed 'properly' instead of being lazy and falling asleep after 10 mins.
The other thing I've been pondering on, far too soon really, is weaning. With D it was relatively easy because he was formula fed so there was a natural progression onto solids when he was ready (which was 4 months, the then recommended time to start solids). Now it's 6 months. The theory being that your baby's digestive system can't really handle anything else before then and you put him at risk for issues later on if you give him solids too quickly. Ok... but what if he gets hungry before 6 months and wants more than I can provide? What if, say, at 4 or 5 months, he starts crying for food every 10 mins because the breastmilk just doesn't satisfy him anymore? Do I start solids early? Or, do I give him formula to supplement him?
The Breastfeeding Brigade seem to suggest that you should avoid formula and start rice cereal sooner if your baby needs it. But surely that contradicts the guidelines about when to start solids and maybe Formula would be a better option as it tends to fill them up more and doesn't have the digestive system issues??? All the information out there is a mass of contradictions!