babyblog

Anxiety

I've developed an interesting condition whereby I've become anxious about stupid things and terrified of dying, or G dying, or one of the children dying. I have nightmares all the time where I wake up with the car under water knowing I'm about to die with the kids in the back, or in mid air having driven of a cliff, or being chased by a murderer. I play out scenarios in my mind if someone in our family died, it's just become awful. On Wednesday we were driving home from vacation over the mountain pass and I became hysterical in the car shouting at G that we were going over the edge (there was absolutely no danger of this).

On top of all that, I'm really stressed by mundane shit. Like if I have 3 things to get done I am on edge, worried, consumed, freaked out that I won't get them done in time - when in reality it wouldn't take long at all. I keep making lists and worrying about what's on them and that I haven't accomplished. I am over stressed by silly errands, it makes no sense.

None of the above is me. I'm not an anxious person and I'm not someone who is freaked out by stuff like this. I'm also not a person that makes lists - I am more about spontaneity!

The anxiety though , it's kinda got out of hand. I am not sleeping properly with all these dreads and fears, I am nervous all the time, I'm finding it hard to drive my car for worrying someone will hit us. I have this overwhelming sense of DOOM all the time.

I told a friend. She told me about Post Partum Anxiety. It's a bit like Post Partum Depression only you don't get the depressed bit (I'm not depressed, I feel very energised and happy and positive for the most part) but it manifests as anxiety instead.

Since Tab was born I've taken very large doses of Vitamin B which I've credited with warding off my PPD - with the boys I developed it sometime around their first year. But clearly it's decided to come out as Anxiety instead - the bastard.

I went to the DR today and told her. She asked me what might've triggered anxiety and I think it's been coming on slowly since Tab was hospitalized with RSV in January. That incident was terrifying, thinking we'd lose her. Following that there was the incident where I nearly killed G by not recognizing his near diabetic coma state (which I still go cold thinking about), then the incident with Harry's possible mole cancer & surgery...... it's just been one thing after another which has scared the shit out of me this year.

The DR said she wasn't surprised I have anxiety and that it was almost certainly my body's way of manifesting some form of Post Partum Depression - Anxiety instead of the usual blah of depression. She's given me a prescription for Zoloft because apparently it'll get rid of it, she said expect to take it for 3 months or so. She also gave me some kind of valium type thing but I can't take that while BF'ing - I can take it if I wean Tab (something I'm considering).

Bah. I can't help feeling that I've FAILED in some way by going back on the fucking medication.

Shite Day

Tab & I really had a shite day today.

We went for her 1 month check up at 2pm.

Her head is still enormous – now around the 150th percentile! No cause for concern though. She is in the 50th percentile for height and the 25th for weight.

Checked her ears and she has a double ear infection AGAIN. This means she now has to have tubes (grommets). We will be getting a referral to an ENT surgeon & then going after we get back from vacation.

Because she has now had all available antibiotics twice she has to have a heavy duty course of injection ones over the next 3 days so I have to take her back tomorrow & the day after. She did not like the shot, then we had to wait 30 mins to make sure she didn’t have a bad reaction to it.

MEANWHILE, I also told him about her 911 choking incident last Thursday and he was alarmed to hear that we hadn’t noticed anything come out of the other end. He said if she had swallowed a coin (something we suspected after finding Harry beside her with a penny in hand) and it was still in her stomach it could cause her big problems so he wanted her to have an XRay.

After our 30 mins of waiting for the shot, we trot down to xray (same building) and get that done. Tab was starting to get really aggravated by being there as you can imagine. She was hungry. I was hungry, hadn’t eaten all day. She braved the Xray though! The XRay techs tell me they don’t think they see anything.

Went back upstairs, waited for another eternity to see the Doc again. Tab is now melting down. I am almost doing the same. DR comes in and tells me that he and 3 colleagues think that they can see a blockage and that they’ve sent the xray results to the hospital radiology department for review. If it is blocked it’ll mean surgery.

I get home (5.30) worried sick – obviously. She definitely has to have ear surgery now we might have to have abdominal surgery too!

6.30pm the phone rings and the DR tells me that there is NO BLOCKAGE. Thank goodness.

Have to go back tomorrow for another antibiotic shot.

*gah*

Meanwhile of course she is not sleeping due to ear infection and hasn’t’ for a week. SO TIRED!!!!

Tabitha - 1 Year Old

Tabitha Lily Jones, this year has been a completely whirlwind. I feel as though my feet have barely touched the floor since you were born & that there really hasn't been a moment to sit back & reflect on the impact you've had into our lives. Today I am going to do that before these all too brief moments become nothing but a distant memory.

One year ago today you were born. When I found out halfway through my pregnancy that I was going to have a little girl, I was so overwhelmed. So terrified, so scared, so excited. I knew boys, I didn't know girls. I didn't know how to have a girl. On the day you were born, when I heard that first wonderful and somehow so female cry, I fell instantly in love with my gorgeous little daughter. One year ago today I was the mother of a little girl for the first time in my life and what a fantastic little girl you are, and how blessed I am to have you.

This year has been a roller coaster of worries and concerns about your health & I think that's why I feel that I've not caught my breath yet. You are trying to put me into an early grave from worry young lady! Those aside though, watching you grow over the last year has been phenomenal. You've changed so quickly - it's like I've blinked and suddenly you're a year old.

When you were 2 months old your daddy asked me when you were going to become easier like the boys did, and I remember saying to him - maybe she won't, maybe this is her. She's not like them, she has different needs, she's not going to be content in those basic ways - she wants more from us. And I was right - you do want more, you want more emotional support, you want to feel safe and loved and secure, you want to be close and you want us to provide those things - something we are happy to do!

From almost day one you've been so focussed and concerned with what is going on around you. People commented very often that they couldn't quite believe how much you were taking in even at 2 months old. You're always very aware of your surroundings. You haven't been content to be left alone, you want to be held or with someone at all times and you love nothing more than to people watch. You're not shy, you enjoy people, you're very sociable, you love nothing more than to be surrounded by them. When your brothers were small they were content to sit & play, not so you - you want interaction and stimulation!

Physically you've been like your brothers were - quite slow to move, but verbally you are further along. You're already repeating various words, you can say "Daddy" "Glasses" "Teletubbies" (my bad), "Dipsy" (again, my bad), "Ohhhhhh" (in a very amazed voice), "Did" (Dylan), "Hiya", and "Yaya" (Harry) and "Doy Doy Doy" (boys)!

You have a beautiful winning smile which you're quite reserved with and only bestow upon special people for special occasions. You have a dirty belly laugh which makes us all fall apart when you use it. You have a wardrobe full of beautiful clothes which you wear with style. You are still a little folically challenged which I wish would change soon, I am desperate to make use of bows and other hair accessories for you! I think you'll be blessed with your dad's hair rather than mine which is lucky for you. I am extremely nervous about learning how to do girl hairstyles.

This week I was at the toy shop ahead of your birthday looking around in the 'pink' section and felt like a fish out of water. It is all new and different, this girl stuff. Everything is princesses, fairies, pink pink pink. Daunting. Not being a 'girly girl' myself I worry that I won't know how to encourage you to be girly like your peers almost certainly will be, but then I my conscience pipes up that I shouldn't teach you that a handsome prince will come and rescue you from your miserable life, and instead encourage you to be strong, educated & independent. I hope that all this stuff comes naturally as we grow together!.

It's so hard to put into words how I feel about having a daughter. I feel very humble and proud and I identify with you in a way that I cannot with the boys. I know you. You're not a mysterious male brain. We are fundamentally alike. I find myself thinking how your emotions might work in response to various things as you grow older, what you will experience as a teenager, as a young adult, and how you'll feel along the way. It's an amazing astonishing bond and I really hope with all my heart that we will share it and nurture it and have a relationship that we will be proud of.

I love you baby girl. Here's to the future.

Mama xxxxxxxxx

What a DAY

Totally draining day.

9am Tab started choking. We didn't know if she'd eaten something from the floor but she was hacking and coughing and struggling. Her breathing didn't seem too bad but it was violent and scary. Held her upside down, tried very hard to help her dislodge whatever it might've been but to no avail. G tried, still no improvement. 10 mins later she was still going & we started to worry. I began to call the 24 hour Nurse hotline to see what they said but half way through came to my senses and dialled 911.

Typically whatever it was came free about 30 seconds before the EMT's arrived (which was only 2 mins after making the call). An enormous lights flashing fire truck arrived outside and 3 guys came rushing down..... they were great, listened and declared her lungs clear, said we'd done the right thing, and gave Harry & Dylan a tour of the Fire Engine.

The rest of the day was spent rushing around like a blue arsed fly doing errands ready for Tabbys birthday on Saturday. And lugging 3 kids in the process. Had to take Dylan to the Orthodontist where they decided he needs an expander (kind of a reverse brace) which is going to cost us something like $900 on top of what the insurance covers. Argh.

Did more errands looking for presents. Took Dylan to the Pro Club where he's attending twice weekly kids fitness classes - brilliant for him, his friend is doing it too! Then G took over the kids so I went to Toys R Us for Tab's pressies..... then to QFC for plates and ballons.... now it's gone 9pm, I've only been home a few minutes, and I'm exhausted.

I also have a million other things to think about, we're having people over on Saturday for her birthday, the house is a tip, I need to organize what Harry is having for his birthday because we'll otherwise be away, and pack the Caravan up for a 2 week vacation.

Lake Chelan

We had a fantastic long weekend at Lake Chelan.

The first night we actually spent in Leavenworth at our first KOA site. It turned out to be kid heaven. There was a pool, a playground, go-karts to rent, and a free 'hayride' for the kids that evening which the boys LOVED.

We are staying at a KOA when we go to California next weekend so we were glad that it was a fun place for the kids! We liked the one in Leavenworth, definitely worth a weekend visit again. The pitch came with it's own BBQ which was useful & there was a short walk down to the gorgeous Wenatchee River too which was spectacular.

At Chelan we stayed in the State Park. The site was really peaceful - just a few Caravans in the trees on the edge of a grassy area which led to the beach and a playground!. Glorious scenery and excellent for the kids.

I really liked Chelan - it was extremely relaxing. The little town was a short pootle in the car and there was also a water park which we visited one afternoon.

On the way home I even had a go at driving the Caravan - gulp! Actually it wasn't scary at all & I switched with G before driving over the mountain pass as the idea of the steep downhill with cliff edge freaked me out, lol.

Anyway - really great break - will definitely go again!

Summer Day 2

Started off much like Day 1- FIGHTING, ARGUING, BICKERING, SHOUTING, TELLING OFF, STRESS. I've been yelling so much that whenever I tell Harry not to do something he now responds in a tone much like mine with one of my phrases such as "DO NOT SPEAK TO ME LIKE THAT". I seriously need to chill!.

The afternoon was better - we went to the beach as the weather was glorious which was great. Saw some friends....... one new friend has a boy Dylans age so Dylan is thrilled about that. So thrilled

Then took Tab to the DR (we hadn't been for at least a week, I was missing Dr George) to check as she has a wheezey chest. As we're going away I wanted to get it checked for fear it might be turning into something bad. By the time we got there everyone was hot, sweaty, covered in sun tan lotion and sand, tired and hungry. Great combination. Dylan then proceeded to throw an entire Starbucks frappucino all over himself just to add to the mix.

Tab had to have Albuterol to double check she isn't getting asthmatic....... the hope was she wouldn't respond to it. We had to sit in the room for another 15 mins to see..... arghh....... thankfully she didn't respond to it! So it is viral and hopefully nothing to worry about. And her ears are clear !!

Tomorrow we're OFF for a few days, I'm already EXHAUSTED by having three kids 24 x 7 without respite....... I NEED THIS BREAK lol.

If my back will stop hurting one day?

Penny Vincenzi

Next Door Neighbour Nightmares.

Getting away for loads of weekends!

Schools out for Summer

Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

That pretty much covers my feelings about non stop kids for the next 2.5 months. They almost put me in an asylum this morning bickering & arguing and being generally difficult. Hopefully things will calm down. The afternoon was better - we went to a new play place in town and then to the gym for Dylan (mission: Get Dylan Active).

At various points this afternoon I only had 2 children to deal with. Tab stayed at home with G while we went to the play place, then H went off with G while Tab & I took Dylan to the Gym. At various points this afternoon I felt very strange - as if I didn't have enough to think or worry about!

We're off again this weekend to Lake Chelan - supposedly beautiful. Looking forward to it and consumed by thinking of what I need to put in the fridge & what clothes to take. Thankfully it is hotter there than miserable rainy here so it shouldn't be too hard to throw some shorts & t-shirts in.

Tab is now sleeping full time in our bed. I'm mostly sleeping on the couch. I get more sleep that way and she doesn't wake for feeds if she can't see me so it's a way of training her to go through the night. I'm working on getting her to go to sleep in the bed with me lying beside her, but without touching her (big step from having to be in my arms). Once she can do that (she's almost there) I think it won't be too long before we can transition her into her own room.

In other news, I'm obsessed with "Wii Fit" and have done a 35 min work out every night for the last week. Every muscle hurts! It's great fun.. although I've also managed to gain weight :(

Weekender

We went camping again this weekend - this time with some friends. They had never been before so it was a bit stressful figuring everything out but all in all it was great to get away and we had a very amusing evening playing 'shithead' by the camp fire after the kids were in bed.

Tab fell off the sofa in the caravan & has a really bad bruise on her cheek :-( I'm really upset about it!

She slept well though & had a great nap for 2 hours on Saturday, following on from a 2 hour nap on Friday too....... NAP IMPROVEMENTS!!

The boys had an excellent time playing outside. Dylan was fascinated by the bonfire and wanted to constantly fiddle with it. He also loved going in the water at the beach & walked with me up a steep trail back to the campsite (the others went back in the car). Harry loved playing with my friends twin girls..... but on Friday night had this scary fever attack and shivered violently for nearly an hour - his entire body shaking. Thankfully the medicine kicked in & he got past it and enjoyed his weekend.

And when we got home, Tab started to crawl!

Sleep

I've been so exhausted by this bug that I've had which I'm still not compeltely over. Tab has been waking up 3 or 4 times every night to feed, plus refusing point blank to sleep in her own crib. I don't know if it's a left over thing from the ear infection but she's become very clingy, very miserable at bed time, very unwilling to be put down unless we put her down in our bed from the off.

Last night I was just completely at the end of my wits about it all. My back is killing me from broken sleep, sleeping on the edge of the bed, not able to turn over easily and being kicked all night. I have been dreading going to bed every night because it's a chore.... because of all these factors making it a nightmare right now.

I told G (through tears) how I was feeling and he suggested I slept in the spare room because Tab does not need to eat all night. I refused because Harry has been ill & I didn't want to be on a different floor of the house plus she has never been refused milk in the night yet. G said go to the sofa then, I refused because it didn't sound appealing and frankly I wasn't in the mood to accept any positive suggestions.

Anyway - he went to sleep then began to snore, so I stomped off to the sofa with my pillow. I then woke up 7 WHOLE HOURS LATER. I haven't slept for 7 hours in well over a year!!! G said Tab had woken a few times, he'd given her a dummy, and she'd gone back to sleep. I think I"m going to do this for a few days next week and get her used to the idea!

Bratz

I really *REALLY* hate Bratz dolls. Barbies too but Bratz in particular. They are alarming looking with giant eyes, and they wear hooker clothes.... vile things.

Yesterday at a friends house, she dug out a Bratz doll and gave it to Tabby. Tab held out her hand for it, intrigued. When she got it, she examined it carefully and then started to CRY. She put it down then desperately tried to get away from it, clearly terrified.

We showed her it again later to see if she was over it and she burst into tears again.

Hurrah for her having taste at a young age!!

Asthma?

Apparently I have something called "Reactive Airway Disease" which is actually a fancy name for Asthma. It's a kind of asthma triggered by colds / coughs / bugs. I have this horrendous wheeze on my chest which won't go away. I've been given an inhaler... and the scary thing is that after using it my chest feels better & I'm starting to wonder if it feels better than usual, i.e. I've had this and lived with it without realising?

I'm also on Antibiotics for a sinus infection & bronchial infection.... blah.

Tab isn't sleeping too well (neither am I)..... so all around knackered & fed up.

School finishes in 2 weeks which will be in some ways a nightmare (millions of weeks of vacation to find things to do during) but in others a nice break from all the running around every 5 minutes. Maybe Tab can actually get a decent sleep routine going ?? YEAH RIGHT.

Going to get my hair cut tonight .... booked a new place to get it chopped into a bob and highlighted (it's currently 10 miles long and a chocolate brown colour). New place a bit less fancy than the one I go to currently (and cheaper) so nervous about it.

Tabby - 11 months

Beautiful girl, you're almost one year old!

This month you have started to move around a little, developed more & more babble, increased your intake of solid food, decreased your intake of milk, had your first swim, learned to adore your Grandad, and suffered bad constipation and another ear infection. An eventful handful of weeks!

You're such a total daddys girl too, and you've started to say "Daddy" in the cutest slightly English accent. Harry didn't have an English accent at all so I'm really hoping that you do have one for a while! Also, if you could learn to say MUMMY that would be nice. I must say it to you 102938102931 times per day and you still won't repeat it!

You still really thrive on being out & about seeing different people and places, but as your ability to get around improves you're quite liking being at home too. You can't crawl yet but you can kind of shuffle around although not in the direction you want to go in! You've also started to pull yourself up to your knees.

With this movement comes the inevitable falls and OH, the DRAMA!! Your brothers were quite easy to calm after a fall but you are UPSET and you are going to make sure that we KNOW ABOUT IT!! I am fascinated by these differences that I see in you, the drama and the emotion, and try to relate them back to myself as a girl so that I can understand them. I do understand them too, I totally get them. I hope that I can always do this, my little drama queen.

I look at you now on the verge of being a toddler and leaving your babyhood behind. So sad that these days are going by so quickly, but also so excited to see the little girl that you are turning into. In some ways these days have been hard to sit back and relax and take in but mostly they've been this amazing roller coaster ride of joy and happiness to have this beautiful little girl in our lives.

I love you little girl,

Mama
xxx